Here's a little known story that happened when the Monkey was only a few weeks old which helped to give me a few more grey hairs than I had earlier in that same day:
We just had a nice little evening and we're getting ready to put RM (yes, I'm going with that now because people are going to get sick of the other little names I use) to bed. I take her to her room, put her on her changing table, and begin to undress her. Then, I notice that her left nipple is way bigger than her right one and when I say way bigger, I mean HOLY CRAP! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER TIT?!?!?! bigger. I touch it and it's as hard as a rock. Before I go any further with my story, let me remind you that this happened when she was only a few weeks old - translation: I was still crazy or, to use a more technical term, I was a freaking hormonal, post pregnant irrational, emotional lunatic. With that being said, I saw the big lump on her boob and immediately yelled (more like screamed like a banshee) for Nicole to come to the nursery. By this time, RM is fairly chilly as she is pretty much naked in her room and I have been poking at her boobs, so she's not exactly in the best of moods. Nicole looks at her nipple, squeezes it, and a little bit of milk comes shooting out of my now screaming infant. I go into complete panic and start to cry. Nicole, thankfully, was of sound mind and body and called the pediatrician. Now, here's my next disclaimer...I normally LOVE our pediatrician's office. However, on this occasion, I could have killed the doctor on call. Nicole explains what we found, tells the doctor there is no fever, but that RM is screaming loudly (as if the doctor didn't hear her. Let's face it. Everyone in Hartford county hears our kid when she's around, but I'll get to that another time). In my rational mind, which was clearly overpowered by psycho girl, I had a little voice that said, "Um, I think the baby is crying because she's cold, naked, wants to eat, and could probably go to sleep right now. After all, it is bedtime." However, the psycho part of my head was saying something like, "ARGHUSAKLS:KJNBIPOIAHJSEKN" and, of course, that's the part of my head that was in charge that night. So, the doctor tells Nicole that since the baby is screaming that much that we should take her to the hospital and they'll probably want to run a scan on her to see what's up. Nicole, being of sound mind and body, told me what the doctor said and my rational response was, "What?!?!? OH MY GOD! WE HAVE TO GO! CALL MY MOM! WE HAVE TO GO!" As much as I'd like to tell everyone that those words stayed in my head...they did not. I was already a blubbering mess and was wrapping up the peanut to go to the ED.
The whole car ride there, I swear this little girl was looking up at the blubbering, sobbing mess that I was and thinking, "What the hell is her problem and why aren't these women putting me to bed! Don't they know I'm tired?!" She was quiet the whole time, but I know that's what she was thinking. Now, when we go to the ED, I was freaking out even more because this was, of course, at the height of the Swine Flu scare and my daughter's immune system was not strong enough for me to take her to the grocery store yet, never mind to walk her straight into the mouth of the Germ Beast! I marched right up to the intake window prepared to demand that they take my daughter in immediately and, as soon as I opened my mouth to speak, I heard what sounded like squeaking and realized I was sobbing again. Nicole of Sound Mind and Body (I've officially changed her name for this story) again took over and explained why we were there. We were probably only waiting about 5 minutes (it felt like 5 hours, but it was likely not even a full commercial break) before someone called us in and started us through the process of weighing her and finding out what was going on. We were assigned a very nice nurse, whose name I forget, but who should be given the Nobel Prize for figuring out how to stop my psychosis so quickly. I believe this is how the conversation went,
Wonder Nurse: "So, what's going on?"
Nicole SMB "Her nipple is hard and leaking."
Wonder Nurse to blubbering idiot - "Are you breast feeding?"
Blubbering Idiot: "alfj" (Nodding)
Wonder Nurse: I'll have the doctor take a look, but I know exactly what this is. It's really not a big deal at all and completely normal. Since she is being breast fed, she is getting all of the hormones that you are experiencing right now, Blubbering Idiot. That has caused her to become engorged and she is lactating. It's called galactorrhea and it can happen in boys and girls. For girls, their nipples can swell and lactate and their labia can also become engorged. For boys, a similar thing happens. It's totally normal and will go away on it's own. I'll have the doctor check her just to make sure that's what it is, but that's what I"m staking my money on".
And with that small conversation, Blubbering Idiot became Relieved and Rageful. "Why the hell didn't the pediatrician tell us that over the phone?!?!" is what Relieved and Rageful's mind was screaming, but Blubbering Idiot still had control over the speech areas of the brain so a crazy, snot filled nod of the head was the response. Shortly thereafter, the doctor came in, confirmed the diagnosis, and sent us back home to let our daughter be her own milk source until it wore off. I'd like to tell you that this story has a happy ending and Relieved and Rageful was able to seek vengeance, but Relieved and Rageful became Relieved and Grateful before we got home and then quickly became Passed Out Drooler (me, not the baby). Needless to say, it's just one more incident of WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THAT?!!?!?!?!!?!
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