Look, Ma! No hands!

It's cold.  Very cold.  It's the kind of cold where as soon as you walk outside, your nostrils freeze shut and, if you did have a runny nose, your snot is now etched into your skin.  It's the kind of cold outside where if you were to fart, I'm pretty sure a little puff of steam would come out of your ass and waft through your clothes, thereby making the whole "silent but deadly thing" a little more ridiculous because everyone would know it was you as you walked away with little steam clouds emanating from your backside.  It's the kind of cold where if you were forced to use an outhouse, I'm pretty sure parts of your body (and none of the parts you would want) would stick to the "seat" leaving you in a very precarious (and painful) position.  I realize I said "none of the parts you would want" as if there are any body parts that anyone would want to get stuck in any part of an outhouse at any point in time.  In looking back at that statement it is possible I may have misspoken there.  Sorry.  It's the kind of cold that makes me go, "What the hell am I doing in New England?!?!?!" 

I have always believed that, if circumstances put me in such a position where I could no longer afford a roof over my head, I would immediately start walking south and would not stop until I hit Key West.  Sandy beaches, bars, beautiful water, bars, warm air, and bars; what more could a girl ask for if she couldn't have a place to live?  The problem with that plan, aside from the fact that I am far too lazy and out of shape to even consider walking to the corner market, never mind walking down the entirety of the East Coast (should that be capitalized?  I don't know), is that I don't think I could live any farther south than, say, Washington D.C.  The reason I say that is because, while the cost of living is a bit better and people are frighteningly friendly, I can't understand a stinking word that comes out of their mouths.  I'm comforted in knowing that it's not just me that has a hard time with that either, but that it's a common problem.  I know it's a common problem because when I watch shows like, "Moonshiners" or "Swamp People", they have to put subtitles up for the characters even thought they are reportedly speaking English.  Even with the subtitles, I'm still at a loss sometimes to figure out what the hell is being talked about as I not only don't understand the words being said, but also can't understand what they're talking about.  This latter issue of mine has to do with the cultural divide that exists in our country.  Now, I'm not talking about spiritual or political differences as everyone recognizes those and is fully aware of what I'm talking about (of course, those difference also scare the crap out of me and is another reason I'd rather freeze my ass off up here than make the trek south).  No, I'm talking more about the crazy stuff that happens down south and, in particular, in a Sunshine state which will not be named here.  I know the comedian, Chelsea Handler, has often poked fun of this state on her show as she has highlighted some of the absolutely insane things that happen there, but for those of you who haven't seen her show, here are some of the bat shit crazy (yes, that's the official diagnostic terminology) things that happen there (these are actual news stories courtesy of the Sun Sentinel):

   * A woman allegedly drank a few drinks at a bar, then entered the mens' room before deciding to come out of her shell by shedding her clothes and returned to the bar stark naked.  She apparently misunderstood what "1/2 off" meant on the happy hour banner.

  *   Man tried to force fiancee to swallow engagement ring.  I wonder if she said yes....hmm.

  *  Man called 911 ten times asking for a ride to Mexico stating it was only 500 miles away.  He ended up getting a ride alright, but it wasn't to Mexico.

  *  Man arrested for having sex with donkey.  Later, that same man was arrested for stealing over $10,000 worth of batteries.  I wonder what he needed with all of those batteries for?

  *  A man, wearing an ankle monitor, gets arrested after burglarizing a home.  What tipped police off was not just the ankle monitor, but the fact that he left his wallet at the scene of the crime. 

  *  Man steals flat screen t.v. from Walmart and asks store personnel to help him load it in his car.  Too bad he couldn't keep the t.v.  He would have gotten to see himself on the next episode of Cops.

  * Man robs convenience store while wearing glove to  prevent leaving fingerprints.  Yes.  You read that right, "glove".  He only wore a glove on his left hand, but touched everything else with his right. 

  * Woman steals police car and goes to McDonalds.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that maybe she was under the influence? 

  * A woman is arrested and gives police a fake name and date of birth.  Only problem is she has that information tattooed on her body.  I have nothing to say about this one other than that's not bat shit crazy, but bat shit stupid.

  * A man walks into a convenience store to rob it.  When the clerk shows him the register is empty, the man walks out of the store and calls his mom to come pick him up.  He got picked up, but not by his mother.

And perhaps my favorite story:
  * A man walks into a bank wearing a t-shirt and headphones, marches into the manager's office and says, "I'm boss of the bank.  Give me some stacks".  I'm not sure what tipped off the manager to realize this was not the bank's president, but that clever manager did not give him any "stacks".

So, those are just some of the things that people do down there.  While I'm sure there are some idiot criminals in my home state as well, I feel like there are many more stories that originate south of the Mason Dixon.  And, yes, I know I always tell people to stop judging me and that's exactly what I'm doing in this post, but I feel confident you'll get over it.  And if you don't, it's likely I won't find out about it anyway because I'm so freaking cold I'm going to have to burn my computer to keep warm.

And, if you're wondering what the title is all about, I'm typing this without using my hands.  That's how cold it is...........................  Sorry, I had a little shiver there.