I've gone to the Dark Side

Of all the people who may (or may not) read this post, the one who will probably appreciate it the most is Cristina.  The reason I say that is because Cristina is perhaps one of my oldest and dearest friends and throughout the entire course of our friendship, she has been a morning person.  By morning person, I mean she is one of those people that has that perky attitude and bright, cheery smile no matter what ungodly time of the morning it may be.  She's the person who gets up at the butt crack of dawn to run 15 miles and still functions quite well, remaining chipper, upbeat and looking as if she could enter a freaking beauty pageant.  I, on the other hand, would not fall into that "morning person" category quite so neatly.  Hell, I don't fall into that same universe.  For me, mornings typically consist of the alarm going off (probably later than it really should), me hitting snooze, rolling over, hitting snooze again, rolling over again, hitting snooze one last time (incidentally, I am not very good at math at all, but I am VERY good at precisely calculating how many times I can hit snooze in the morning and still be on time for work...or pretty close to on time anyway), rolling over one last time, and then finally getting out of bed with a very long stream of obscenities being uttered all the way from the bedroom to the shower.  On some mornings, my overall homicidal mood continues well into my shower and, on some very unfortunate days, can go well beyond that.  For those who enjoy coffee or other caffeinated beverages, mornings probably run more smoothly.  Your urge to kill your neighbors and/or their pets and children, probably end once that first steaming cup of Joe has passed your lips.  I, however, do not drink caffeine.  Not because of any wonderful health benefit or conscientious objection.  No.  I don't drink caffeine mostly because it makes me pee like a race horse and I act like I'm on speed for about 40 minutes before crashing and burning at my desk.  It's not a pretty sight. 

So, I think you are getting the gist of things; I like my sleep.  I don't like to be up any earlier than is absolutely necessary.  In fact, I am a firm believer that the whole idea that 3, 4, 5 o'clock actually happens more than once in a day is just a myth. Something parents tell their kids to scare them into eating all of their vegetables at dinner ("Son, if you don't eat all your peas, 3 a.m. is going to get you!"  Absolutely terrifying).  I know there are those of you out there who will insist that you were a witness to me experiencing those wee hours at some point in my life (probably close to my college years), but I have no recollection of such events and, therefore, I categorically deny ever being a party to anything that has happened, happens, or will happen at 3 a.m. or other hours in the day which I believe are simply urban legends.

Recently, however, a window to an alternate universe has opened and pulled me into a Twilight Zone like scenario.  Ready?  Cristina, are you sitting?  I have been getting up at...wait for it, wait for it...4:45 a.m.  Yes, Virginia, there are pre-dawn hours.  Now, you may be asking, "What in the hell would possess you to get up at such an evil, dark, cold hour"?  Good question, my friend.  Well, it all goes back to RM.  You see, when I got pregnant, I was quite a bit lighter than I am now.  I have tried (albeit, minimally) to diet and little has happened to change my shape.  Therefore, back in February, Nicole and I decided we would join a gym in town which offered a day care.  The plan, and it was a good plan in theory, was that we would pick RM up after work, head to the gym, and then go home and chill out.  However, when it came time to actually put this into practice, we both felt very badly because we realized we would essentially have RM in daycare all day long while we are at work, then put her in another daycare at the gym, and then go home, feed her and put her to bed.  In other words, Mommies out.  That plan was pretty much completely unacceptable to me, so that was quickly scrubbed.  For months (yes months), we struggled with trying to come up with a feasible plan and we couldn't come up with much.  Finally, in August, after making several months of donations to our gym, I decided that I was going to visit the inside of this place if it killed me...and it very well might.

Is everyone still with me?  Hang on tight to your shorts because I think we all know where this story is going...I finally broke down and my anger over donating to the gym overcame my firm belief that one should be in bed at any and all times when the sun is down.  So, last week, for the first time, my alarm clock was set to go off at 4:45 a.m. in order that I may go to the gym when it opens at 5 a.m.  (What the hell was that?!?!  Oh crap.  Someone get the smelling salts.  Cristina just passed out.)  On my first morning trip to the gym, I came to realize a few things.  First, it's really freaking dark at that time of the morning.  Second, you know that saying about the early bird gets the worm?  Well, at that time of day, I get the damn worm.  You know why?  Yeah.  That's right.  The birds are still sleeping.  Even the birds know to STAY IN BED AT THAT TIME!!!  Me?  Yeah, not so smart.  The third thing I came to realize is that there a hell of a lot of people who go to the gym at that time of day!  Who the hell are these people?!?!?  Why are they all here at this time of the day?!?!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!!?  In my delirious, sleep deprived state I not only went to the gym and got on the elliptical, but I also approached a trainer and made an appointment for a few sessions (Don't get too excited.  They were included in the price of the membership, so I was taking them up on that!  Damn skippy).  The thing that blew my mind in my conversation with the trainer was this: The only opening he had was at 5 a.m. on a Monday in TWO WEEKS!  WHAT THE $@%&?!?!?  It really is the Twilight Zone.  Holy crap!!!  What's even more unbelievable is that I took the slot.  And in that one final act, my friends, I completed my passage to the Dark Side.  That's right.  I'm one of those people now.  Oh well.  I guess my getting up early does have one advantage to it: I have to go to bed so freaking early now that I can actually take advantage of all the Early Bird Specials in the area.