My Spidey Sense is tingling

So, all through my pregnancy people have been asking me how I have been feeling.  At this point, I feel pretty good, but I am also entering my final trimester at this point and understand that things will go down hill from here.  First of all, I want to say one thing about all those people who talk about pregnant women glowing.  That's a freaking JOKE!!!  People don't glow.  I think that "glow" is actually a look similar to something like jaundice which comes from feeling like utter crap for such a long period of time.  I even asked my doctor about the whole glowing thing and she agreed with me that statement is a freaking farce!  Secondly, a bunch of people had been telling me that my second trimester would be great and that I will feel the best I have ever felt during those months.  Again, that's a freaking LIE!  Why are all these people lying to pregnant people?!?!  Granted, I feel better now, but is this the best I've ever felt?!?!  HELL TO THE NO!!!  Can I eat without booting every 10 seconds?  Yes.  Can I stay awake and functioning for more than 8 hours?  Yes, barely.  Is this the best I have ever felt? Uh, no.  I would have to say I felt better, um, maybe 21 POUNDS AGO!!!  I am slowing approach the point of needing a crane to get up off of the couch and having my own gravitational pull for any objects that happen to be orbiting me.  Of course, this includes Kit Kat bars which may help account for the 21 pounds, but we'll just overlook that fact for a moment if you don't mind. 

The thing which has been happening to my body as of late which is more annoying than anything else is that my sense of smell has significantly heightened.  Normally, this might be kind of cool, but let me remind you of a few things.  First, I work in a school and, as we all know, kids are smelly.  So, lucky me, I get to smell them that much more intensely than I did before.  WOOHOO!!!  Second, I have two small dogs and while I bathe them regularly, they do have a tendency to stink and to pass the most amazingly disgusting odors from their bodies that I have ever experienced.  I mean, if pregnancy was going to come with the ability to heighten my senses and give me super powers, why couldn't I have some cool powers like x-ray vision, super human speed or strength, or the ability to fly or something?  Why the sense of smell?  And if that isn't enough, with the sense of super smell also comes the increasing frequency and intensity of my own ability to pass gas.  Yes, that's right.  The irony of the super sense of smell comes the fact that my body will now produce the most grotesque odors it has ever produced and I am forced to experience them in a way that only those around me should have to experience.  It's sheer and utter cruelty I tell you.  I still wish I could cash in for a different super power.  Maybe something like the ability to eat as many Kit Kat bars as I want without gaining weight.  THAT would be spectacular!!!  

Hi! I'm Tom!......Hi! I'm Tom!

Have you ever seen the movie 50 First Dates starring Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler?  If you've seen it, I apologize for this little intro, but for those of you who have not seen it, here's a little synopsis.  Drew Barrymore is a woman has a car accident and, as a result, suffers a head injury which does not allow her to form any new memories.  One of the other people she meets during the course of her treatment is a guy whose memory only lasts about 10 seconds before he's back to square one, Ten Second Tom.  So, today's post is inspired by Tom because I think I am suffering from some type of brain injury which is affecting my memory...no, wait.  I guess that is not a brain injury messing with my head, but more of a uterine user.  Now, I don't know why everyone says this is supposed to happen, but apparently the memory of a pregnant woman is something that disappears quite rapidly...along with my waistline, my beauty (apparently), and any semblance of being able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time (I am even worried that 3 hours might be overshooting it a bit...Damn).

Ok, back to what I was talking about...what was I talking about again?  Oh right, my memory.  Now, as some of you may know, I already have the memory of a 70 year old who has had too much to drink...for the past 50 years.  I already need to have my life down to a routine in order to function.  I keep my wallet in the same place, all of my cards in my wallet in the same order, my phone, car keys, work items, etc. in the same place.  If something is not in the place where I keep it normally, then I have absolutely no idea as to where I should be looking for it as I have no idea as to where the hell I may have put it.  At work, this means I keep my schedule in my pocket, I ask people to page me if I'm not in the right place at the right time, and I should buy stock in post it notes.  Now, with this pregnancy, I am suffering from early onset dementia and, as far as I understand it, things only get worse from here.  I am afraid that by the time the baby is born, Nicole is going to have to be bathing and feeding both of us as I will have no freaking clue how to do those things, never mind even figure out where the hell it is that I live!!!  I swear this kid better be incredibly intelligent because I have lost about 50 IQ points already which is why this last blog entry has been so long in coming.  Really.  I mean it.  I have had a lot of ideas of things that I have wanted to blog about but, shockingly, I can't freaking remember what it is that I have wanted to blog about when I sit down to write it.  So, with that being said, I am going to be making notes about the things I want to blog about.  The only thing I will have to do is remember where I put those notes once I write them.  Hi!  I'm Tom.