I read a very disturbing article online the other day. Quite frankly, I'm not completely sure if it's a genuine article or if it's a fake, but the sheer terror that the article engendered in me has been plaguing me since that time. So, the only rational way for me to deal with it is, or course, to share my thoughts with you. The article (and I still get goosebumps talking about it as it is potentially more terrifying than Stephen King's The Shining or that really disturbing movie The Ring. And, in all fairness to all other horror movie producers or screen writers, I don't watch scary movies because, well, they scare me and I am a royal wuss, so there might be scarier things out there, but those two films mark the complete repertoire of my horror film watching. I hear you judging me right now and I don't care. So there.) Ok, where was I? Right, the article. The truly horrifying article that I read that has plagued my nightmares since it passed my retinas claims that the world will run out of chocolate in 2020. Please. Let me say that again so that everyone knows they did not just have a momentary bout of psychosis and read something that wasn't there. The world will run out of chocolate in 2020. I'll give you a minute to have your freak out, but please return when you're done because I'm not done talking about this yet.
Ok. Feel better? Well, you shouldn't! Didn't you pay attention to what I just told you?!?!? THE WORLD IS GOING TO RUN OUT OF CHOCOLATE!!! The article, and again I'm hoping it's a fake, claims that the lands that used to be used for cocoa production are quickly vanishing due to development, so there are fewer cocoa farms then there used to be. Also, the global demand for chocolate is at an all time high and is on the increase, largely due to a rising demand in Asia. The article states cocoa plants take 4 years to produce a crop, so new farmers have a difficult time getting into the industry because it takes too long to yield a crop that will bring in cash. Hold on...
I had to take a break, because I found myself freaking out and holding on to my M&Ms too tightly. For the record, they will melt in your hand if you squeeze them too much. That's also true for peanut butter cups, Twix bars, and Dove squares....mmmmmmmmm....Dove squares. But, imagine a world with none of those things. No chocolate milk or hot cocoa. No fudge during the holidays (what will people do for holiday gifts?). No chocolate chip pancakes. No brownies or chocolate cake. NO HOT FUDGE SUNDAES!! Is the enormity of the situation finally sinking in for you?!?!?
Ok, so once I got past the initial shock (and, as you can see, I'm still experiencing painful aftershocks), I got to thinking about the side effects of this situation. First of all, there is a HUGE opportunity here to make some cash. Granted, I don't have the funds to front a big cocoa farm, but if any one does, I will work for chocolate. I think if you were able to get some land in the right climate, you would eventually be richer than the wealthiest oil producing countries in the world. I mean, let's think about this for a moment. When you're having a bad day, do you say to yourself, "Man, I could really go for an oil change" or do you reach for a candy bar? Do you say, "To make myself feel better, I think I'll go fill my car up with premium" or do you bake brownies that you then cover in chocolate ice cream (or vanilla, if you go for that sort of thing)? Look, part of the problem is that most of the countries in the world are being run by men who think that the one with the biggest oil field wins. Countries waging wars because they think oil is what brings power and wealth. To them I say, tell your wives that when Aunt Flo comes to town, they're going to have to settle for broccoli because there's no candy. For those not in the know, I'm talking about the time in the red tent, riding the cotton pony, or that time of the month when every man dreads hearing the words, "Honey, can you pick me up some tampons when you go to the store? Oh, and get some chips, too. Oh, and don't forget the chocolate". Yeah. The chocolate. Now imagine what would happen if that person came home to someone who is on the rag, surfing the crimson wave, full on into shark week, only to have to say, "Here are your lady things, but they were out of chocolate". I know that all of the men (or women) who have had to come home to an emotional and slightly irrational beast who, at other times, doubles for the love of your life, will certainly dread the day that happens because you know that when you say those words, you are putting your life in extreme danger. In fact, I would venture a guess that many marriages will end the day the chocolate dies.
In fact, I'm going to go one step further and make a prediction: When chocolate makes its grand exit (which I think is what the Mayans were referring to as the end of days), I believe women will rise up and say, "Ok, boys. You've had your fun and really screwed things up. It's time to step aside and let us run things for a while...idiots." (And for the guys who are reading this, don't get your panties in a wad just because I called you an idiot. There are FAR worse things I could have called you, so get over it). When that day comes, the world will really see what is meant by the phrase, "hell hath no fury like a women's wrath" because us PMSing bitches are going to tear some shit up looking for one last hug and kiss of the chocolate persuasion.
Plus, and this is the closest I will come to a political rant ever on this blog, if any American can corner the market on chocolate, then maybe we can sell that chocolate to the billion women in Asia who are PMSing and finally buy back Manhattan.
