I was at work the other day talking with a friend when the topic turned to fashion, which is ironic in and of itself given my challenges with dressing myself (remember my love of garanimals that helps me match my tops and bottoms?). Actually, it wasn't just about any fashion...it was about the period of time known as The 80's. I'll give you all a few minutes to reminisce about that decade...is it all coming back? The shoulder pads...the bulky, knit sweaters...the shoe laces...the really bad hair. Remember? Yes you do. Admit it. Some of you not only remember the clothes, some of you still have that stuff tucked away in the back of your closet just waiting for the day when one of your friends decides he's going to have an "I love the 80's" party. (It's ok to admit it. We're all friends here. I will openly mock you if I hear that you are one of those people, but here...we are all friends who don't openly mock you...at least not to your face). Yes, the 80's had bad clothes, bad hair, and some bad music (some good, but some bad).
Now, I know my parents have many, many pictures of me from that period of time which I would just as soon burn or allow my dogs to use as their chew toys. But, no, I'm not going to be posting any of those pics here (or anywhere else) for people's amusement. I will, however, try to remember what some of those outfits were like. Let's start with my senior prom. First of all, even I have to say, "Holy crap!" when I think of that outfit. It was...and I risk having to endure all of your jeers and taunts by telling you this...it was pink and poofy. And by poofy, I mean it was amazing that the thing caught as much air as it did without the assistance of an under wire hoop. I think if I had walked down a flight of stairs quickly enough, I could have gotten air born without much of a problem. Yes. That's what I said. I don't think I'm doing it justice, but I think you are all getting the idea of the absolute nightmarish image that was the dress. And, while I was much lighter than I am now, that dress did a marvelous job of highlighting my ever present back fat. And all of that is immortalized in the infamous prom picture pose that everyone is forced to endure at some point. To top it all off, my date (who remains a dear friend) wore a white tux. Yep.
However, my tragic wardrobe choices did not stop there. I also had the sweaters. You know what kind I mean...bright, random colors in all sorts of geometric shapes painted on a very thick cotton blend canvas. The sweaters, while not dresses in and of themselves (although, I did have some of those as well) were long enough to be worn as its own ensemble. No, these sweaters went from the top of my neck all the way to my knees. I could have passed for a Mormon with the amount of skin that this one article of clothing covered. However, I did not stop there. No. These sweaters needed to be paired with some type of pant/leg covering. So, why not do both? Yes, that's right. Pants and leg warmers. Leg warmers. What the hell were leg warmers anyway? I can maybe understand why a dancer would wear them, but I assure you that dancing was not (and still is not) my forte, so leg warmers were not a functional part of the wardrobe. Oh no. They were strictly an accessory. So picture me in a turquoise, pink, white, and whatever other crazy ass pastel color you can throw on one article of clothing. Make that article of clothing cover as much of my body as a full body cast. Got it so far? Ok, now add pants and leg warmers. Oh, and wait...one more thing. Please add shoulder pads to that sweater. Oh yeah. Shoulder pads, baby. Now, I think the point of them was to make you look broad shouldered or something. What they actually did, though, was make it look like you had been in some tragic car accident and had a deformity around your collar bone which resulted in you needing to wear a brace under your clothing. These things made you look like you were shrugging your shoulders in constant disbelief, only no one was talking or saying anything that you would question. Although, with the way those things made everyone look, I have to look back at the pictures now and think, "Why didn't anyone tell me those looked that ridiculous?" Maybe I was already anticipating my future me questioning that fashion option and I was shrugging my shoulders in response. Yeah. Let's go with that.
Then, there are all the "designer fashions" from that period. Let's start with "Members Only". As far as I can tell, all they actually made were synthetic jackets that were meant to look like...well...meant to look like maybe leather jackets? Actually, I have no idea what they were supposed to look like, but they had these loops on the shoulders (what was the infatuation with the shoulders in that decade?) and I have no clue what they were for, but they were there. In addition to Members Only, there was the ever popular Z. Cavaricci. Come on, folks. You know exactly what I'm talking about. These guys made pants that rivaled M.C. Hammer's balloon pants. I think Joey Buttafuoco was a Z. Cavaricci fan. These pants had so much extra material in the legs that you could probably jump out of a plane without a parachute and float safely to the ground while closely resembling a flying squirrel. If that doesn't scream fashion, I don't know what does. Oh, no wait, I think I do know what else screams fashion: fat, neon shoelaces. You know you had some of those. In fact, you probably had several sets of those on your shoes at once. In fact....hang on...yep. I knew it. I still have a pair of green and pink ones on my white leather converse. Oh, man. Who's up for an 80's party?
