Pop!

Ok, so I went to get dressed and realized that my shorts, which had been quite comfortable and slightly big up until recently, were now feeling as if I had just consumed a large sausage pizza and 5 whoppers with cheese in one sitting. Hmmmm....whoppers with cheese.... Oh, sorry, I lost my train of thought there for a minute. Where was I? Right, shorts. Too tight. Yes. So, my shorts are too tight which means it is time to engage in one my most dreaded activities...shopping. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't wanna!!!!!!!!!! You can't make me!!!!!!!!! With that, I am having thoughts of barricading myself and my dogs in the bedroom so that no one can get to us and I can watch t.v. and have my air conditioner. Hmmm....wait, though. No snacks in my room. That's a problem. Then, in the midst of my great escaple plans, Nicole and our friend, Anna, come up with a great motivator..."All you have to do is find 3 pairs of pants for work and then we can go eat". BAM! "I'm driving!" I shouted as I ran past to the car.

Now, as we know, I am not a shopper and clothes shopping is perhaps my least favorite activity ever invented. Even more detested than electrolysis...on the lipline...without lidocaine...Yes, that's how much I hate clothes shopping. Ok, so where do pregnant women on a budget shop? Why, Old Navy of course! Of course the maternity section at Old Navy consisted of 2 racks and a couple of shelves of jeans. Most of the sizes were 2, 4, 8 and to that I say, um...you all need to add a number to that. Now, I know I am not exactly a sfelt diva, but I have no sympathy for skinny bitches. As I like to tell people, there are two kinds of women in the world: those who know about chub rub and skinny bitches. Me? I am close friends with chub rub, so a size 2 is not even going to fit my calves. Ok, so I found a pair of jeans there that were sooooooooo blue that I would have easily blended in to any restaurant serving an early bird special in Florida in November. Yes. That blue. And two pairs of pants that had a zipper which was probably about a 1/4 inch long which meant that my granny panties (shocking, no thongs on this chick) were sticking out the top of them.

Ok, so Old Navy was not going to be the place. Now, I have never really paid much attention to maternity sections in stores or stores that specialize in such a clientelle, but apparently, there a lot more of them than I ever thought. I say this, because about 300 yards from the Old Navy is another shop called Destination Maternity which is two maternity shops merged into one space. Kind of like my uterus at this point...2 people using the same space. Ha! I crack myself up. Ok, this store is a bit more realistic with clothing. Zippers are full size so my underwear can remain covered all day (that's a big plus for me), the waistline is a little bit higher than the other pants I had tried on, so I don't have to pull them up so high that I develop an embarrassing case of camel toe (if you don't know, ask a friend who knows about chub rub), the pants have pockets that will actually allow you to fit something in them without ripping the pants off your leg, and the colors actually occur in nature. So, I not only met my quota here, but actually surpassed it. Can anyone say BURRITO TIME!!!