Ok, so we have started the process of registering for stuff that we are told the baby is going to need. Now, that sounds like a fairly straightforward prospect on the surface of it, but I am here to tell you that it is all a lie. First of all, the people telling you what you are going to need for the baby are usually the retailers selling those things and, as my brother loves to say, you don't ask a barber if you need a haircut. For example, Babies R Us (which will hencefore be known as The Store) has put together a whole booklet listing out the various things you "need" for the baby; things like a wipe warmer, a weather shield, and neck wings. Now, while the wipe warmer sounds like a lovely thing that I would love on a cold winter morning, I have absolutely no clue what the hell a neck wing is or what type of weather the shield is supposed to shield the baby from. Oh, and for those infants that are particularly motorically skilled, The Store suggests adding a Wii to the registry.
So, to make the whole process a little less daunting, The Store has organized their merchandise according to various categories (e.g. infant care, baby gear, diapers, nursery items, yadda, yadda, yadda). And, as excited parents to be, we entered the dragon blissfully unaware of the hell that awaited us. Now, I'd like to say that we went in there with a well formulated game plan. I mean, we had done our research on Consumer Reports, talked to our friends about what items they thought were helpful, and had our ideas about what things would be helpful for us to have in our home. Here's a rough idea of what our game plan was: 1) we need baby bottles; 2) we need onesies; 3) we need a car seat; 4) we need a crib; 5) we need diapers. There's probably other stuff, too, but that should be a good start.
Great! Let's start with bottles.......Ok, bottles. Aisle 1. ALL of Aisle 1. Bottles, bottles, everywhere and I can't have a drink. Glass bottles. Plastic bottles. Big ones. Small ones. Straight ones. Curved ones. Even some that are supposed to resemble my tits. Essentially, there was a wall of bottles, pacifiers, and nipples. Ok, don't panic. Let's move on to step 2. Onesies. Now, onesies are in a section called Layette. What the hell does that even mean?!?!? Why wouldn't they just call that section, oh, I don't know, CLOTHES?!?!?! Ok, so let's get back to it. Onesies. There are short sleeves, long sleeves, ones with mittens and ones without. Mittens? Anyway, let's just pick a size. Here, newborns, 5-8lbs. Well, that's all well and good, but what if this baby likes to eat like it's mama and comes out a bit bigger than 8 lbs.? Is my child already into plus size baby clothes? Hence begins my internal dialogue, "Ok...no need to panic...breathe...breathe...go to your happy place...ok, forget that your happy place includes sushi and beer...DAMN MY LOVE OF RAW FISH!...go to another happy place..." Let's move on to number 3...car seats. Ok, ok, I can hear you all smirking as you read this and saying, "dumbass. I hope you know if you want a travel system, rear facing, 3 in 1 convertible seat, or something else!" Ok, so I know that now. It was at this point that I sat on the floor in the middle of the car seat aisle and handed the phone to Nicole to call our dear friend Watson and ask her about what the hell all of these seats are supposed to do.
So, needless to say, my friends, that is where I hit the wall. I'll try to go back again and keep adding to the list, but this time I will go armed with the very detailed excel spreadsheet of needed items that Cristina was so gracious to pass on to me. Holy hell, my friends. Holy hell.
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